Read now: You Deserve Nothing by Alexander Maksik

You Deserve Nothing by Alexander Maksik

Publisher: Europa Editions

Publication Date: August 30th, 2011

Page Count: 320 

Source/Format: Library book! 

Keywords: student-teacher affairs, ex-pats, heroes

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The list of books I need to read in this life time could probably circle the earth at least six times. I'm constantly adding things to my TBR list and it's hard to keep up. But when a friend texts me and says, "you need to read this book. I couldn't put it down," then that book gets a priority position on my list, and so is the story of how this book came into my life. 

William Silver is the teacher every student could want to have. He's young, charismatic, and handsome. He treats his students like adults and exposes them to real world concepts and ideas. He's invited to their parties and called by first name. But being that kind of teacher opens the door to magnetic wanted and unwanted attention. Among those students is Gilad, a disillusioned student who has become numbed to the thrill of moving from country to country with his family. The person to reawaken him is William Silver. Gilad is thrilled by having a teacher like William who trusts him and other students with complex ideas. He's inspired by his control over a room. All he wants is to gain recognition from William. And then there's Marie, a friend of a student of William's who meets him on an alcohol-fueled evening at a party. Marie finds herself swept up his charisma, and tangled up in his life. These three characters narrate as their infatuations turn into obsessions, and realize it's only so long before the perfect pedestals they stand on begin to crack.

All that attention, it's hard to resist. And if you're honest, you acknowledge that before you ever became a teacher you imagined your students' reverence, your ability to seduce, the stories you'd tell, the wisdom you'd impart. You know that teaching is the combination of theater and love, ego and belief. You know that the subject you teach isn't nearly as important as how you use it. 

What you need to know...
I mentioned in my reading habits tag that I have a horrible habit of reading Goodreads review for a book, sometimes before I even start reading. Such was the case with You Deserve Nothing, when a top reviewer posted a link to this article on Jezebel. This novel's most intriguing storyline is the relationship between William Silver and a student at his school, Marie. Much of this novel's praise came from the bold perspective on this taboo relationship. However, the author himself has allegedly found himself in hot water at a previous teaching position for his relationship with a student, and the real 'Marie' says that a lot of Marie's dialogue or anecdotes comes from real things she has told Maksik, and he exploited these things. Basically: the author could potentially be a creep. That being said, You Deserve Nothing still had me riveted and offered me a slew of things to think and reflect on.

What this book forced me to think about...
1) Hero worship: I've read a quote in various forms from many people that essentially says: the best thing you can do to preserve your heroes is to never meet them. Mr. Silver becomes a hero to Gilad. Gilad loves every word out of William's mouth, even the ones he doesn't agree with. William in general is a hero to a lot of his students, and his held on the top tier of teachers. But having such high expectations of someone you get to see every day is a dangerous practice, because eventually they are going to fall down and your view of them cracks. I think every character in this novel experiences this in one way or another.

2) Expectation vs Obligation: When You Deserve Nothing starts to reach that magical moment when everything is humming and threatening to break at any second, Will's students begin to question whether or not he can practice what he preaches. Will argues that he has never been obligated to be anyone's idol or model of perfection, but his students argue otherwise. As a teacher, there shouldn't be any obligation. It comes with the territory of putting yourself in charge. This made me think more about what I am obligated to do or be for other people versus what other people think are expected of me.

She stiffened. "Will," she said. "I will not permit you to use our classrooms to question God's existence, logic, or nature. It is one thing to discuss a character in a work of literature, it is quite another to treat the God of the Old Testament as a fictional character. This is dangerous territory. You have moral responsibility to protect your students, to steer them through works of literature, to help them see clearly. That's it, Will. That's your job. No more."
"Laetitia, I disagree." 

3) Existence. Many of William's teachings are based in philosophy, and his required reading includes a lot of existential theories and essays. William and Gilad also witness something that forces them to evaluate the fragility of human existence in general. It's some deep shit that had me pondering the ins and outs of my existence while also being thoroughly hooked in the story.

I could go on and on about this book, but then I would start to get spoilery and I don't want to ruin this book for anyone. This book was one of the best I've read in recent memory. This book made me think. It challenged my beliefs and ideas, and I was inspired by how well each narrator told their stories. The strikingly beautiful ideas that are discussed, and the borderline poetic way each character looks inside themselves to try and figure things out, kept me hooked on every single page. Plus, it's based in Paris! I especially loved that this book took us into the life of an American living in Paris without relying on big time landmarks to get the vibe in there. There was Parisian youth, riots, morning stops at the cafe, etc. I inhaled this book from cover to cover. Seriously beautiful, guys.

Question of the day: What is the most thought-provoking book you have recently read? 

Review: The Lullaby of Polish Girls by Dagmara Dominczyk

The Lullaby of Polish Girls by Dagmara Dominczyk
Publisher: Spiegel & Grau
Publication Date: June 4, 2013
Page Count: 212
Keywords: Poland, female friendships, murder
Goodreads & Amazon

Anna Baran is twelve when she visits Poland for the first time since she and her parents immigrated to Brooklyn as a girl. She spends her childhood never quite feeling like she can fit in, but when she goes to her small town of Kielce, she has found her home. She loves the smell of the kielbasa, the boys that help her with her luggage, and she brushes off the children that chide her for only being American. During that trip to Poland, she meets the vulgar, boy-crazy Justyna, and the self-conscious Kamila. The girls form a fast friendship, and create a strong bond that follows them through the years to their complicated adulthoods in different places. As they get older, they get together less and less often, but when Justyna's husband is murdered, it is just the event to unwind the tangles of their lives, and bring them back together.

The last twenty-four hours have brought a bloodbath upon the Strawicz home. They have brought the inevitable, but Justyna can't see that now. All she can see is that overnight, she has become someone who will be whispered about. From now on, people will whisper that she's too sad, or not sad enough. They'll whisper accusations and apologies. And surely they'll whisper if she ever finds another man, but who the fuck in this town will want to date an unemployed widow with a kid, anyway?

I don't think I've ever read a book set in Poland, or that revolves so tightly around Polish character, and that was a main selling point to me when it came to deciding whether or not to pick up The Lullaby of Polish Girls. My father's side of the family is 100% Polish, and I always loved the idea of my grandparent's arguing or having secret conversations in Polish so my dad and his siblings couldn't understand. And, of course, who doesn't love some pierogi, stuffed cabbage, and dill pickle soup? The Lullaby of Polish Girls definitely takes us to Poland. Anna sees Kielce as a magical place in the summer, even though it's a town so rough the citizen's are called 'switchblades.' There's a quaintness to the town that is well illustrated by the gossiping neighbors, and the simple landmarks, such as a rug-beating structure, that hold a magnitude of memories. There is a lot of the very complicated Polish language scattered throughout the book, and a lot of it can be translated through context clues. Dominczyk also includes a little Polish 101 pronunciation guide at the beginning of the book which helped greatly. I also downloaded the iTranslate app, which was a HUGE help for the phrases that popped up here and there without context.

This is Anna's third consecutive summer in Poland, not counting those first three days back in 1989, and the summers can't arrive fast enough. The rest of the year, Anna writes letters, sends care packages, and makes frequent trips to Brooklyn's Polish neighborhood, Greenpoint, just to fill up on whiffs of kielbasa at butcher shops. Every day, she gets home from school and checks the mailbox. Kamila writes the most, about once a week, and reading her dispatches is like subscribing to a personalized Kielce Daily News. Sometimes it still surprises Anna that life goes on after she boards the plane in late August, that seasons change, that school happens, and that there are holidays. She can't picture her friends in scarves and mittens, trudging through the snow. She can't picture leaves falling from the trees, or spring blossoms. To her Poland is summer and nothing else. 

The characters in this book were so beautiful, and I couldn't get enough of their daily lives and relationship. The narration jumps from girl to girl with each chapter, spanning from their childhood to adulthood. Anna immigrates to New York City with her parents when she is a little girl. After a trip to Poland when she is twelve, she spends every summer she can there. An incident on a summer camping trip, though, shrinks Anna's desire to visit as frequently as she does, and falls off the Kielce map for several years. She grows up to be a budding movie star in New York City, with a failing relationship to her boyfriend of nearly a decade. Kamila has always been the most loyal to Anna, as their mother's were also best friends growing up and they were born weeks apart. The constant scrutinizing from her traditional mother has bred an intense level of self-consciousness within her, and she's constantly dieting and changing her face to be beautiful. She flees to Detroit to live with her family when she discovers an unlikely affair within her own marriage. And then there's Justyna, the forever-vulgar one in the trio who was the first to have sex. She is also the first to become a mother, and it is the murder of her husband that causes ripples all the way to Detroit and New York City. Each of these characters are so ripe and full of stories. I also appreciated how even though we see their growth into adulthood, and we believe they are growing up, they haven't neglected certain tics or qualities that was displayed in them as young girls. They were each so different, but not too different that we couldn't see why they remained friends.

"My nochal. Right." She wonders what her father will think next time he sees her. She is getting rid of his nose, his genetic stamp. All her life Kamila has dreamed of transformation, of physical metamorphosis, because beauty was not just skin deep; it burrowed underneath tissue and muscle. Kamila liked her personality just fine, thought of herself as insightful and enterprising; but ever since Maciek Toboszycki told her she was ugly, calling her brzydula in front of the whole fourth grade, Kamila has wanted to erase her face and start over. And now, she is going to do just that. She thinks about the picture she has had tucked in her wallet for weeks now--a close-up of Michelle Pfiefer's tiny, button-sized nose. When she nervously showed it to Norbert last week, he smiled. "Well, I'm not a miracle worker, Kamila, but I'll try."

Each character handles the hardships in their lives differently, and sometimes in a way that made me want to shake them. Slight Spoilers Ahead: Kamila is staying in Detroit with her parents after running away from her husband when she makes an unlikely discovery. Justyna witnesses something damaging to Anna, but keeps her lips sealed the whole time. Each of these scenarios begged for some sort of confrontation, and I really wanted these things to come to a head. There were even many moments when something could have been said, especially between Justyna and Anna. I really wanted an explosion between Kamila and her husband, and I really wanted a moment of solidarity between Justyna and Anna. As much as I wanted these moments, it wouldn't have been fully true to these characters. Kamila's low self-esteem and years of dedication to her husband would not allow her to become unsavory. And Justyna simply isn't the type of girl who is going to be soft. She's a tough-as-nails bitch with a shred of enough compassion to let her friends in.

"I'm okay, Anna. I'm okay." Anna nods and closes her eyes, tucks her head in the crook of Justyna's shoulder. Justyna smiles. This is the kind of night she had hoped for. And maybe the light of day would bring a bit of regret with it, regret at how wasted they got, and how disrespectful they had been, to both the living and the dead. Or maybe they'd continue in the only way they knew how; at once shielding their pain and sharing it, brutally, in revelatory spasms, but always with a wan smile and a wink.

Given the murder that brings them all together, a murder-mysteryish aspect was expected. There were thrilling moments that revolved around the murder and it's aftermath, but the event itself is spelled out pretty clearly, at least to Justyna and her sister Elwira. Throughout The Lullaby of Polish Girls, there are a lot of big, dramatic moments that pepper each of the girl's lives, and because of the time jumps within the book, we learn a lot of these things pretty early on. This caused me to expect one last BIG thing to happen at the climax of the novel for the three girls, but that thing never happened. As much as I was hoping for it, the rich characterization of the girls, and the drama of their lives, was enough to keep me hooked and loving this novel.

The Lullaby of Polish Girls had some of the best characters I have read recently. We get to watch them grow, form a bond with them, and even as they morph into adults, they stay true to their character. I was hooked on the drama of Anna, Justyna, and Kamila's lives, and I was wound up in the threads that kept them tied together. This is a crazy impressive debut novel from Dominczyk, and I am super looking forward to reading any work she puts out in the future.

Have you read this? Do you know of any other great books revolving around Poland?

Review: The Love Machine by Jacqueline Susann

The Love Machine by Jacqueline Susann
Publisher: Grove Press
Publication Date: January 1st, 1969
Source/Format: Bought it!
Page Count: 511
Goodreads & Amazon

The first book I read of Jacqueline Susann's was, of course, Valley of the Dolls. I devoured the whole novel in a four hour train ride to Michigan, and then wondered how it had taken me so long to finally read the book that had been catching my eye on bookshelves for years. I was entranced by the drama, the allure of retro styles and customs, and the lovable and sometimes hate-worthy characters. I knew I had to read more of her work, and so Jacqueline Susann became one of my biggest guilty pleasures when it came to reading.

The Love Machine delivers much of the same things that I loved about Valley of the Dolls. Robin Stone, a handsome news anchor is on his way to the top at IBC. When the President of the company starts giving him more and more power, his ego gets larger and larger, and the women seem to flock faster. Robin, who eventually becomes nicknamed The Love Machine by the media, is handsome, can drink multiple martinis without ever feeling it's effects, and has some issues. Those issues don't seem to stop Amanda, a beautiful New York fashion model, Maggie, an even more beautiful news reporter, and Judith, the wife of his boss, from falling in love with him. Spanning over nearly a decade, The Love Machine is loaded with sex, vodka, infidelities, and a weird amount of steak dinners.

The pace of this novel was very quick, which really pulled me into reading it obsessively, once again while traveling. The plane that I was reading on could not land back in Chicago due to rough weather, so we had to circle around in the air waiting for clearance. Part of me was disappointed I wouldn't get home as fast as I had wanted, and the other part of me was glad that I would not have to stop reading. Each page was filled with drama that errs on the side of soap opera melodramatics, but was still heart-wrenching and saddening none-the-less. The pace made for a very quick read, though the pace sometimes forced us to miss out or gloss over some pivotal moments. Susann would jump over several months in a sentence, and because of the quick pace, I wish some moments had been slowed down so I could have felt for the characters more.

As for the characters, I loved a majority of them, which is strange because many of them should have been very unlikable. Robin Stone is a man with commitment issues and frequently leaves town without informing his woman of the minute. Near the end, he also starts on somewhat of a self-destructive rampage, and yet Susann built him up so well throughout the novel that we actually sympathized with him and didn't hate him at all. The feministy side of myself was kicking me for feeling sorry for Robin, but at the same time, FEELINGS. Then there was sweet Amanda, who was a little way too naive, I must admit. We didn't get to know Amanda as well as we did Robin, and I think it would have helped to know more about her and why she kept chasing after Mr. Stone for so long. I also loved Danton, the jealous and constantly steaming account executive that must work with Robin and consistently get the short end of the stick.

This book is everything that Mad Men has lead us to believe about the 60's. Easy affairs, high drama, sexy executives, and a little bit of that television glamour. I feel like I should warn everyone who reads Jacqueline Susann, though, that the men in her books will have every reader question the actions of their significant other. I can almost guarantee it ;)

Rating: 5 / 5.

Have you read any Jacqueline Susann? Do you love soap-operaish books? 

Review: Sweetly by Jackson Pearce

Ansel and Gretchen are looking for a fresh start. Twelve years ago, they entered the forest as a trio, and Gretchen's twin sister, got snatched by an evil witch. Now, their loveless step-mother no longer feels an obligation to keep them in her home, and has kicked them out. They decide to travel cross country to the ocean, and their car breaks down in Live Oak, a small town with a dwindling population that doesn't take well to strangers. Desperate for cash, Ansel accepts a temporary job doing small tasks for Sophia Kelly, a mysterious chocolatier owner with a poor reputation. Things seem idyllic: Sophia becomes like a sister to Gretchen and opens her home to the siblings, and Gretchen feels like she is far, far away from the woods and the witch that have taken her sister. But when she meets Samuel Reynolds, she learns that the witch is still out there, and closer than she thinks.

What Sisters Red had in intense action, Sweetly had in mystery and suspense. Right away, the reader's feelings are torn on Sophia Kelly. She's so beautiful and sweet, but Jackson Pearce sets up an uneasiness about her with swaying moods and a gossipy small town. I tore through this book, wanting to get to the bottom of the mysterious chocolatier, and the secrets swirling around her. Pearce also really raised the stakes with romance, and two outsiders trying to become insiders in a town that is anything but accepting of newcomers.

Pearce did a good job at tying this novel with Sisters Red, the Fenris make another appearance, and Samuel is none other than Silas' brother! However, I finished the book wishing that the novel had stayed a little truer to the original fairy-tale of Hansel and Gretel. I was a little let down by the ending (which I can't share with you for spoiler reasons!), but it didn't completely tarnish my reading experience, and I'm looking forward to reading her third fairy-tale retelling - there are mermaids!

Rating: 3.75 / 5

Have you read this book? Did anyone else love Hansel and Gretel growing up?

Book Review: Sisters Red

I'm going to start this review with this Twitter interaction:

I picked up Sisters Red by Jackson Pearce at the library after watching a slightly old, yet glowing review of it by The Readables. I haven't read many fairy-tale retellings, but I used to love them as a child, so I was excited to see what it was all about and WOW. I think this is one of the best books I've read so far this year.

Scarlett March has dedicated her life to fighting Fenris - wolves who are often disguised as attractive men - after she suffered a brutal attack by one as a child. With only one eye, the other lost as a result of saving her sister from the Fenris attack years ago, she walks the streets wearing a red cloak. The red cloak serves two purposes: the red lures them in like a bull to a red cape, and the cloak is the perfect hiding place for the hatchet she uses to kill them. Scarlett lives, breathes, and eats the hunt of the Fenris. Her little sister, Rosie, goes hunting, too, but becomes conflicted when Scarlett's obsession with the hunt deepens as more and more girls are found dead, and she finds herself falling in love with Silas - Scarlett's best friend and hunting partner.

The story is told through chapters alternating in Scarlett and Rosie's point-of-view. This was a wise decision, because I really felt tugged between the two sisters. Scarlett is so dedicated and determined to lessening the population of Fenris, and with good reason. Rosie is as good of a hunter as her sister, but isn't sure if that's where her passion lay, and I got a really good feel for her struggle to choose between her sister's passions, and her own.

And o-m-g the action! The action scenes in this book were so detailed, and there are a lot of them, yet they don't get repetitive or redundant. Each fight is different and exciting. I loved that Scarlett is such a kick-ass female lead character who was mostly fearless, but also very real and had heart. She could work her hatchet like crazy, and Rosie was also incredibly skilled with her bone-handled hunting knives.

This book was so awesome, guys. I stayed up late biting my fingernails through each intense action-packed fight scene, and found myself in tears more than once. Can this book be a movie? I am so looking forward to reading more of Jackson Pearce's work, she has three other fairytale retellings that I am beyond excited to pick up from the library next week.

Have you read this? Do you want to yet? :) What were your favorite fairytales as a child?

Book Review: Amplified

When I was in junior high and high school, I used to really want to play in a band. I begged my parents for a bass guitar and eventually got one for a birthday present. After learning a couple of songs from my favorite bands, and having one band practice in a friend's garage, I gave up and haven't touched my bass since.

Amplified by Tara Kelly is about a girl, Jasmine Kiss, who is much more ambitious than I once was. Jasmine is seventeen and freshly graduated when she is kicked out of her cardiologist father's house for deciding to pass on college and pursue her dreams of being in a band. She heads off to Santa Cruz, guitar in hand, in search of a band, a job, and a new place to call home. After obsessively flipping through classified ads, Jasmine finds a perfect match: not only is a band looking for a guitarist for an industrial rock group, they are also looking for a roommate. The only problem: they don't want a girl in the band, and Jasmine has intense stage fright. She auditions anyways, and Veta, the lead singer, loves her, but Jasmine needs to convince the rest of the band - especially Veta's cute, moody brother Sean, that she is the perfect fit for C-Side.

This book was a quick read and quite enjoyable. I did think that the pacing was a little off in the beginning and Kelly made things a little too convenient for Jasmine, but I loved the characters. The tension built up between Sean and Jasmine was natural and exciting, and the band dynamic was well thought out and displayed nicely - I really got a sense of who each character was and what their 'role' was in the band. It was a good book for me to live vicariously though, which was fun, and Jasmine's passion for guitar was palpable on the page.

Rating: 4 / 5

Book Review: The Fallback Plan

Sometimes, graduating college can be more:

Than: 

Especially when your job prospects are looking bleak. So what do you do when you are graduated, 22, and with no job in sight? Move in with your parents, of course.

That's where The Fallback Plan by Leigh Stein takes off. Esther Kohler has just moved back in with her parents after graduating from Northwestern with a degree in theater. Her only hope is to get a not-too-damaging chronic illness to garner checks from the government, and extra sympathy from her loved ones. To fill in the time between looking for jobs, and helping her mother with crafts, she hangs out with her friend Pickle, and her unrequited high school love, Adam. Her summer plans for illness and hanging out take a turn when her mother sets her up to nanny for a young couple, Nate and Amy, and their four year old daughter May. 

May's baby sister just died six months before, and Esther is gripped with curiosity over the death of the baby, and how their household seems so unaffected by the baby's death. As she grows closer to May, she becomes a shoulder to lean on for Amy, and a listening ear for Nate, she finds out maybe more than she wanted to know in the first place. Esther's relationships get thrown for a loop, and she battles long standing inner demons, and escapes to the world of a screenplay she thinks about writing, a Narnia-esque tale involving pandas.

One of the things that made this book so enjoyable was the characters. I felt something for every single one. Esther's dialogue with her parents was hilarious and realistic. Her relationship with Adam was a true-to-life rocky and awkward 'are we or aren't we?' one. I felt for Amy and Nate. And I fell in love with May just as much as Esther did.

The Fallback Plan was also crazy hilarious, and I related to it very much, as I'm due to graduate in two months with a degree in the arts and the future freaks me out. There were parts where I called my mom to laugh and say, 'THAT'S SO ME!'

Oh, and if you love the show Girls on HBO, this will make you feel better about having to wait however-many-months for Season 3 :)

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Book Review: Snuff

*I'll start this off by saying that Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk is definitely for mature audiences, so this review will touch on some of these mature themes, as well!* 

Cassie Wright is a queen of porn with a legendary career. She's the star of what seems like hundreds of adult movies such as Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, World Whore 1 & 2, To Drill A Mockingbird, and The Wizard of Ass. She has thousands of doting fans. She has the blow-up doll and genital replicas. She has a mysterious child given up for adoption, conceived during one of her movies with a mystery porn actor. But there is one thing she doesn't have, and still needs: the world record for the world's largest gang bang.

The Challenge: engage in an act of sex with 600 men.
The Dilemma: no one expects Cassie to survive, hence the title of this final film: World Whore 3: The Whore to End All Whores.

To do this, they have gathered a room full of six hundred dudes - found in classifieds, online ads, street fliers, etc, waiting for their turn to make their dream come true and be in the presence of the Queen of Porn.

The story is told by three of these 'dudes': Mr. 72, Mr. 137, Mr. 600, and Sheila, who is the personal assistant to Cassie. Mr. 72 is a nineteen year old boy who thinks he may just be the mystery baby given up by Cassie Wright 19 years ago. Mr. 137 is a jaded ex-television roll with a haunted past that is hoping this will get his career back on track. Mr. 600 is Branch Bacardi, a seasoned porn veteran himself. Sheila is the 'talent-wrangler' who keeps the men in order while also tending to Cassie during the filming. She also spends the most time with Cassie leading up to this day, where she hears an obnoxious amount of Hollywood history from the actress.

My problem with these characters is that they all sounded exactly the same. Even worse, is that each chapter is in first person in these four characters. Sheila is a 21-year old female who sounds exactly the same as Branch Bacardi, who sounds pretty similar to the 19-year old maybe-baby of Cassie.

Most of the action takes place in memory of the characters. When the story was being told in the present moment, it really dragged. Palahniuk really relied on his shock value to make the room more interesting and disgusting than it probably was, and even with that, after a certain point I was like : OKAY I GET IT! Because without the gross details, it's just a room full of dudes with their hands down their pants, watching porn and eating potato chips. I get that shock value is something Palahniuk is known for (read Haunt by him for some intensity), but I couldn't get into it with this novel. Maybe I'm over it? The memories of each of these characters were told in the same, repetitive voice, each one seeming to top each other in extreme memories that hardly seemed realistic.

The ending of this novel was surprising. A twist was presented in true Palahniuk fashion, but it was so far out of anything that could ever possibly happen that I rolled my eyes and slammed the book shut. Trust, I understand the concept of fiction, but this was too exaggerated and over-the-top.

So in the end, I was lured in by the idea of the novel. After all, when the stakes are raised with the possible death of a celebrity, and this crazy world record, it sounds pretty gripping. However, with characters that sounded the same and a narrative that relied too much on shock value, I was left, sadly, disappointed.

Have you read Snuff? Any other Palahniuk works? I really enjoyed Fight Club, Choke, and Haunted.

After.

Devon Davenport is the model of a girl who has it all together. She's the star of her high school's varsity soccer team. She can play and win against the boys. She plays on the off-season. Her grades are impeccable. She coaches children to be a goal keeper like her someday. She babysits a set of twins to make extra money to pay for her own trips to summer soccer camps. Her mother is less than involved, working multiple jobs to support the both of them and always on the hunt for Prince Charming, but that just seems to make Devon stronger, and more independent. No one has a bad thing to say about the well-respected fifteen year old, until a baby is found clinging to it's life in a garbage can behind her apartment. They say she's the one who gave birth to it. They say she attempted to murder her baby. The most confusing part? Devon doesn't remember any of it.

Devon's world is flung upside down when she is sent to a juvenile detention facility to await trial. Her biggest charge: attempted murder. Devon struggles to find her place in the group of girls in the detention facility, and tries to piece together the events that got her there: the boy, the sex, That Night. Meanwhile, her attorney, Dom, works to prove to a skeptical court that it is possible for Devon to have never known she was pregnant, and that she never meant for this outcome. But is that really the case?

After by Amy Efaw is an incredibly powerful read that had me clinging to every word on the page. I was reminded of Jodi Picoult, the way that she wove flashbacks into the present narrative, and the court scenes were strong and engaging, not at all boring or dry. Efaw really succeeded in creating visceral moments that were hard to read, but I couldn't pull away from them. Devon's present-tense first person narrative really jerked me into her most intense moments. As a reader, I was forced to feel Devon's intense pain, to see the gruesomeness of That Night, and feel the intense confusion of denial and the search for personal truth. More than once, I wanted to jump into the pages of the book to be there for Devon. She's a girl that really needed a hug.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book. It shook me to the core and was one of the most 'real' books I can remember reading in recent times. I think Amy Efaw really put a lot of faith into the maturity of her younger audience to tackle this book, which is admirable on it's own. After is not watered down, and is a very real life look into a very real life scenario.

What are some intense books you've read? Were you sad or relieved they were over?

Whip Smart

"I wondered whether everyone had such hurts or these wounded were simply drawn to me. I felt privileged to be the keeper of secrets, to be so trusted. But inevitably, I'd feel the burden of too much power; like my future lovers, they needed me more than I did them."

~~

2012 seemed to be the year of sexual exploration. Fifty Shades of Grey was embarrassingly popular, and suddenly everyone was rushing to the nearest adult boutiques to take classes with their partners and girlfriends on bondage tricks, the in's and out's of BDSM, and how to carry out a healthy dom(me)/submissive relationship. Despite the book series topping the charts, and being passed around like the flu, more often than not I see a woman reading Fifty Shades on the bus with the cover of the book pressed into her legs, like she's hiding it. Sex is a non-taboo taboo in our society, and non-vanilla sex is even moreso. People rarely talk shamelessly about their kinks, which is partly why I appreciated Whip Smart, a memoir by Melissa Febos so much.

After moving to New York, Melissa catches wind that one of her neighbors in her new apartment building is a professional dominatrix. Intrigued, she introduces herself. Becoming a domme, a female dominant, is easy, she learns, staying a domme is the hard part. Lured in by the idea of fast money without having to take her clothes off, and unshaken by the stories her neighbor shares with her about all that being a dominatrix entails, she replies to an ad in the Village Voice that leads her to the Dungeon of Mistress X.

In the dungeon, Melissa becomes Justine. Justine evolves from feeling out of place alongside her co-workers, each of them more seasoned than her and sexual enigmas, to being just like one of them. She pays her dues as an apprentice, who sits in on sessions, then moves up to the easy sensual sessions, and eventually learns to love corporal sessions - the most 'violent' of them all. Melissa writes about each of her clients, most of whom she views as pathetic, with incredible detail. She does not spare us from the bodily fluids spilled, or the twisted fantasies of her clients.

Outside of the dungeon, Melissa is uncertain of most things. She is uncertain about how she is pulling the grades that she is in school. She is uncertain of her personal, sexual relationships and how to maintain their normalcy. She is uncertain of her career at the dungeon. She is uncertain of how to keep these two lives she has created separate. She is uncertain of whether or not she wants to kick her hard drug habit, fueled even further by the wads of money she is making in the dungeon.

Febos guides us through her four years as a professional dominatrix, both in the dungeon and in private sessions, and her downward spiral into cocaine and heroine abuse in a way that makes you feel like you're right alongside of her. I could practically feel the hot breath and sweat of the clients as she makes their wildest fantasies come true. I cringed as she admitted some of her deepest secrets to those closest to her. It was fascinating to read her reinvent herself, and then slowly work on rebuilding herself outside of the dungeon into a woman she doesn't recognize, but wants to be.

I gave this one five stars on Goodreads. I could not put it down, and admired the bravery with which Febos let us in on the secret world of dungeons and dominatrixes.

Looking For New Books for 2013?

For Christmas, I was gifted with a copy of My Ideal Bookshelf edited by Thessaly La Force with art by Jane Mount. I was drawn to the brightly illustrated cover with spines of books that I could recognize.

Opening the book is just as magical as looking at the cover. Essays were collected from dozens of notable people: authors, chefs, artists, designers, scholars, musicians, etc. Each of them were asked to compile their Ideal Bookshelf. The diversity of professions in the essays makes for a slew of different genres and types of books. The first essay by Hugh Acheson of Top Chef fame is about his love for cooking, and the books that fueled his passion for southern cuisine, and his craft in general, while writer Francine Prose only chose novels and story collections by Anton Chekhov because, "Reading Chekhov shares a quality with looking at certain kinds of great art: both activities feel like a religious experience." 

Each person had their different reasons for choosing the books that they did. Many authors chose books by authors who they idolized and wish their work could be like. Chefs typically chose books that were in their childhood homes and used by their mothers, or books that examine food in a way they agree with. Artists and designers shared their favorite references books or artist biographies. And sometimes, books were simply chosen because they came to them at a pivotal moment in their lives. There are so many other different types of books and their reasons for being there and it was a fun examination into each professions inspirations and desires.

Each 'Ideal Bookshelf' is painted vividly, only showing the spine to show a part of books that are very often seen, but not often appreciated and enjoyed.

One of the fascinating parts of this book was how different each shelf was based simply on appearances. Quite a few people shared the same love of books. Lolita by Nabokov and Nine Stories by Salinger were on several shelves. Many people loved Chekhov, and Carver, and The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis, but every shelf was arranged very differently. Actor James Franco is notorious for being all over the place: one second he's an actor, the next a director, the next a writer, the next an artist, the next a student napping in the lecture hall, so his shelf is very unorganized with just piles of books thrown haphazardly together. Photographer Alec Soth's shelf was very straight, uniform, with thinner and colorful books.

Something that I really wish was in this book were longer essays. As we all know from my featured reader section, I'm a pretty nosy person when it comes to books and why people like them, and I would've loved to know more about why each person chose each book that they did - especially books that I know and love. Many of the people picked out one or two books to touch upon, and the rest was about their craft. Still interesting to read, but I just would've liked the focus more on the books.

There are over 75 enlightening essays by the folks I already mentioned, as well as Patti Smith, David Sedaris, Roseanne Cash, Miranda July, Judd Apatow, etc. It is definitely worth keeping on your shelf as a reference of books to read. There are hundreds of amazing books in here, and my 'to-read' list grew exponentially. Of course.

What would be on your ideal bookshelf? I still can't figure mine out!

My Favorite Books of 2012

**Also not pictured (I was too lazy to add them when I finished reading them after I made the collages):

-Cancer Ward by Aleksander Solzhenitsyn

-Was She Pretty? by Leanne Shapton

-My Ideal Bookshelf edited by Thessaly La Force

When I first starting compiling all of these images of the covers of the books I read, I could hardly believe I read this many books this year. That's fifty-two in a year! One book per week, just about. I had made an overly ambitious goal to read 100 books, but life gets in the way, and so does the simple pleasure of reading a book slowly to take it in :) But fifty-two isn't bad, and here they all are, the good, the bad, and the slightly inappropriate.

Of all of these books, I was somehow able to pick out my Top 5 Favorite Books Read This Year. In no particular order:

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. This book moved me in so many ways. It was an assigned book for a YA class I took this past semester and it took me two weeks to read because I forced myself to slow down and enjoy every page. Told from the point of view of Death, it is the story of a small town in Nazi, Germany. Leisel Meminger has been sent to live with Hans Hubermann, a painter by trade and an accordionist by night, and Rosa Hubermann, an uptight woman who does the laundry for the wealthy. Leisel struggles to fit in with her new family and the neighborhood kids, all while trying to dodge kisses from Rudy Steiner. Her situation clenches even further when Hans agrees to hide a young Jewish boxer in the basement, and she falls in love with reading - a difficult love to have when money doesn't allow her to buy books... Death tells us her story in a way you wouldn't expect Death to - with compassion and sorrow. I could talk about this book for years. I saw the play adaptation at the Steppenwolf, and was lucky enough to meet Markus at a Q&A about the book in October and have him sign my copy. I even got it for my mother for Christmas. 

2. The Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. People might be rolling out of this one. It's considered a guilty pleasure among many, and no, it is not up there in the ranks as a Great American Classic. BUT, Susann was so brilliant at creating memorable characters. I read it months ago, and Neely O'Hara still gets under my skin, I want to reach out and save the beautiful model Jennifer North, and the failure that was Anne Welles and Lyon Burke's relationship still makes my heart sad. Reading about the rise and fall of these three women in the valley of the 'dolls' kept me hooked on every page and I ate. it. up. Lately I've been half-joking that my next tattoo on my book-related-half-sleeve in progress will be a broken heart that says 'Lyon' in it. Since he really did crush me. I got this book for my sister for Christmas so she would understand my wounded heart.

3. Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. Damn, I loved this book. Olympia is living in an apartment building just a floor away from her unknowing daughter, Miranda. Her daughter is about to fix one of her cosmetic flaws with a plastic surgery, and Olympia wants to save her. Thinking about her daughter's bodily quirk leads her to writer her own family history so her daughter can see where she comes from - a family of circus freaks. Olympia was created by her parents through much drug use and experimentation while she was in the womb, and so were her brothers and sisters. There are her prodigal piano playing twin sisters, and her brother, Arturo, also known as Aqua Boy, whose fame rises to a level high enough to gain cult status. Olympia is the least freaky of them all, yet freaky enough to stand out in society. Dunn did a great job at combining the present-day story with Olympia and Miranda, and the tragic back story of her circus freak family. 

4. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I've mentioned before how much this book got to me. Hazel is a 16 year old thyroid-cancer patient who meets Augustus at a cancer patient support group that she was forced to go to. Both are drawn together through disease, but bond over their love of books - particularly Hazel's favorite, An Imperial Affliction by Peter Van Houten. The ending haunts both Hazel and Augustus since it ends in mid-sentence, and they make it their goal to meet Van Houten and get the answer of what happens before it's too late for both of them. It was interesting to see John Green write in a female's point of view, and it was believable and heartbreaking (in a good way.) 

5. Party Monster by James St. James. Here's where everyone stops trusting this blog. This one was chosen simply because it was entertaining. I saw the movie with Macaulay Caulkin and Seth Green years ago, and the book was FINALLY available in the library so I snatched it up. James St. James was one of the founding fathers of the Club Kid scene in the early 90's in New York City. He was also in a love-hate relationship with his sometimes-best friend, the leader of it all Michael Alig. It was a time of an insane amount of drugs, partying, costumes, and escapism that ended with a murder. James St. James keeps nothing secret, admitting openly to his drug use, the incredibly young party-goers, and all of his knowledge of the murder. St. James tells the story very much in the present. It doesn't read as a reflection, and the storytelling and descriptions are vivid and keeps you gasping with disbelief. I recommend watching the movie, the documentary also titled Party Monster, and YouTubing 'Club Kids on Phil Donahue.' 

These books weren't chosen because they've won tons of awards (though some of them have), or because they are America's favorites. I chose them because they entertained me and they're the kinds of books I would recommend to my friends. Each have beautiful and memorable characters, great storytelling, and a way of keeping the reader hooked - which I think is pretty important. 

Happy New Year, readers! Thank you to everyone who has followed and read my blog so far. I've made a couple of resolutions to dedicate more time to reading and keeping up with this website and I'm excited to see what the future holds.

What were the favorite books you've read this year? Also, if you have any questions or comments about the books I've pictured above, feel free to comment! I'd love to discuss them, as they were each good (sometimes not so good) in their own way!

Was She Pretty?

After spending a whole month dedicated to the mammoth-sized Cancer Ward, I wanted to read something very easy and simple. Something that didn't take up a lot of brain power. I can't even bring myself to blog about it yet. I had seen Was She Pretty? on some Goodreads list on one of my late night binges, and on several blogs. The title is pretty universal. Leanne Shapton wrote and illustrated the book after finding herself incredibly curious about the exes of her lovers. This sparked a series of interviews with friends, friends of friends, and family about their exes and the exes of their exes. The result of this was often one-lined series of stories and line drawings about ex-lovers.

One of my favorites:

I think it's somewhere we've all been - driven insane with curiosity about the men and women that came before us. This book was insightful, thoughtful, and also thought-provoking and surprisingly with minimal hostility. 

Was She Pretty? by Leanne Shapton was the perfect book to move onto after Cancer Ward and I devoured it in just one evening before flipping back through it to my favorite passages and handing it off to my roommate. 

Have any of your exes had interesting quirks? What about your exes exes?